no better way to title this post than the above (: dont worry there wont be tmi. this is more of a reflection of how i got here with him (:
a while back, a friend told me when i was newly single again, that i never lost anything. if anything, i got rid of a major toxic pest in my life and that one day, i will find a true gem, because he was never really a gem. i thought that i had lost a perfect guy in my life, but in retrospect, i didn’t. he was never perfect and i was simply putting him high up on a pedestal when he didnt deserve to be on it. when i really thought about it, he never tried (even though he insists that he had), was utterly incapable of being in a relationship, he literally threw all my effort back in my face and happily shared credit saying that it was his effort too, but it wasnt. all those things that made me feel like he was “the one”, was nothing but an illusion that i made myself believe, in one way or another. it was easy to feel jaded about all of it. and after the disappointment and anger i had in myself for failing to take charge of my own life despite all the glaring points in my face telling me to dump that sorry ass of a loser long ago but failing to do so because in my deluded mind, i thought he was perfect and that everyone had their flaws and there’s always a compromise. but some people you must never compromise for (especially a personality who’s game is to breakdown independent people into utterly insecure beings), and i ended up compromising myself because of him. it was emotional abuse at the very best, and the scariest thing is that it was so subtle, so much so that you never noticed it until the damage was done. thankfully, i got myself out of it before it could worsen any further.
since then, i honestly thought that i will never find that perfect man. i mean how could i? i couldnt trust my heart anymore, and i hated being disappointed cos i’m the type who immerses myself into something. i dont do things half heartedly. all or nothing. its not that i have high expectations. all i want is a guy who can balance between taking care of me and letting me be independent. i decided to turn the tables around, no more nice girl, because nice me had always been taken advantage of in one way or another by a few past loves. i let go, i went out, partied, flirted, dated around, had fun, did things i didn’t use to do before when i was tied down. why? because i was finally free. but i didnt realize it then. i thought i was doing that just to get my mind off the fact that 99% of guys are total jerks, refusing to even want to try to be committal or let anyone be committal to me, no matter how nice they seemed to be.
in the words of a friend, i changed the names to keep it relatively private “you know what? A was a blessing in disguise. making that huge leap to add a random guy, talk to him, feeling free and non-committal, flirtatious even, that really, really pushed me forward. A made me not think about B, at all. its funny, how i could open up to him despite telling myself i’m gna be bulletproof this time round, all hardened and coarse. i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and we’ll only figure it out afterward, when we’re ready to fathom it. i feel that A was a blessing in disguise, despite his absence for the past two days. i realize i am not made of hard rock, that i can still love, i am able to move on faster that i thought i would be able to.
i didn’t think of B for the past few days. i forgot to. forgetting is a wonderful condition, because remembering gets quite tough at times.
at the same time, i am not too affected by A’s absence. to be too affected would be psychotic. but i like documenting about the boys i meet along the way, post-B. maybe a new one would come by, they say the sea never runs out of fishes. bait’s already out, we shall see who comes next? haha. but really, i am a love-monk for now. it is a tough world, for now playing around, talking to strangers is much more fun. its so refreshing really, to realize how small the world is.”
of course, A and B were different people for me, and A turned out to be nothing less than whatever I had thought 99% of the men population was, as well as the few others since then. i mean, i’m not afraid to admit it, short of being slightly obnoxious, that i’m relatively desirable in many ways. and despite being proven again and again through those dates with those people that guys are just so superficial and predictable, it was still fun while it lasted.
and then now, I have Edgar (: the way we met was nothing short of a small decision which led to a big thing. not to mention a very surprising big thing. i guarded my heart initially of course, put walls up, kept him at a distance, did/said alot of things that were totally redundant giving the stage we were in at that point of time, but ultimately, the best decision i made, was to take that leap of faith and give him a decent chance, to show him who i was, what i’d been through, what he should expect, and the best part, everyday, be it whether we’re together physically, or through aim, texting, phone calls, i learn a little more about him, and i like what i learn.
he’s allowed me to believe that real men, do exist, that there is that 1% of good men out there, that will make all the other people you’ve dated, seem like nothing but a bad blip on your radar. some people might think that this is the honeymoon period, but i dont think so. i’ve been through a number of honeymoon periods to be able to say that this time, it’s a totally different kind. all the other ones i had before, had many, many things in common. with E, i see some similarities, but looking at the bigger picture, and in depth as well, i know for sure, that this is different. the things he says to me, the things he does for me, is mostly out of genuine care for me, of course, lust and passion are somewhere in the mix (plenty of it i might add (; ) but its mostly, truly genuine care for me.
i dont see a need to go into detail about what he’s done/said to me since we started dating, because there are some annoying losers who are probably reading this and they don’t deserve to know how well my life is working out for me. the ones who deserve to know, i’ve already talked to you about it or will soon enough (be it whether on msn/skype or when i get back to sg), so you guys have a pretty good idea what i’m talking about.
i’m really thankful for the way my life has turned out now. it’s totally unexpected, i honestly never saw any of this coming. but through all this, i’ve come to realize who my true friends are (and mind you, these are the same people who have never left my side, as well as the ones that i neglected in my past due to bad choices i made), what genuine care is, and how to tell if someone is simply fishing for information. i’ve got a pretty darn awesome friend in april (: her physical support for the past few months in whatever crazy shit i did, and always, always having my back no matter what we were doing, hanna for being who she is, feeling a complete sense of affinity with her despite the short period of time i’ve known her, the bunch of cool ass friends i’ve made from me really making the effort to get out there and have fun (and about time i might add, i was starting to feel really shitty about my lack of social life here and now i realize that it was my fault and not cos of where i live) and of course, Edgar (:
i never knew how tied down and suffocated i was with a certain person in my past until i was with Edgar. being with him, is like a much needed total breath of fresh air. i could finally breathe, finally be who i am, not having to tiptoe around and put other’s needs before mine. i could finally think about myself, do what i want, say what i want, and not suffer any repercussions. he appreciates me for who i am, seeks my opinion, thinks highly of me even when i dont think there is anything to be thought highly of, loves my company, is totally loving, definitely not predictable (in a good way) and there’s zero expectations. when im with him, i feel so with him yet at the same time, i know i’m still being open and honest me, im not sure if that makes any sense. i still wear my heart on my sleeve (i really don’t believe in playing games), with complete trust that he’s not taking advantage of it. of course, all this just barely touches the surface of the things i’ve learnt and am still learning from edgar. in essence, he is truly the perfect man that i thought i would never find, he takes care of me yet lets me be independent at the exact same time. he doesn’t cling on to me yet never makes me feel neglected. i’m running out of brain juice, but in the words of the people i’ve trusted with this information “he’s a real keeper” (:
