so i feel that i need to get some word vomit out. just so i can get my brain juices flowing for my 2 page, double spaced write up i have to do later on water sources in orange county. hahah. so two topics i shall talk about now.
first, let’s talk about YOU.
yes you. you will know who you are when i’m done with this. i’ve actually contemplated really hard about whether i should or should not write this. because i know you most probably still read my tumblr (cos that’s you, your total innate inability to LET GO, which has been demonstrated in more ways than one with your behavior for the past 5 years of your life). part of me really wants to change my url just so you can’t anymore cos you don’t deserve to know how i’m doing at all and also either way, you’d still only see it your own way, playing up to your own ego and finding the smallest of things and twisting it so that you feel as though everyone you’ve let down in the past is still pining for you or whatever. and two, i really cant be bothered to deal with the logistics of changing my url. i mean seriously, get over yourself. just cos people are cold or angry towards you, doesnt mean that they still miss you/care about you/want you/long for you. its simply that you’re such a major loser (fyi, loser doesnt even begin to articulate who you truly are) that many people feel so mad with THEMSELVES that they were actually drawn into that shitty melodramatic life of yours at some point in the past and secondly, they cant be half arsed to want to be associated with you in any one way whatsoever anymore.
your “friends” who think so highly of you, well i pray that one day they will see you for who you truly are, and not after you have already exploited them in one way or another. and believe me, they only like you cos you try oh so damn hard to make everyone like you. the truth of the matter is that you dont deserve any friends, heck you yourself dont even deserve to be anyone’s friend. you’re a highly disturbed individual and you seriously need to do something about it. but of course, you entirely fail to see that. but whatever, thats your problem, i just feel really sad for the people you call your “close friends” cos they’re really good people and they dont deserve to be associated with a hypocritical, judgmental, psychotic, immature, insensitive, manipulative, hugely egoistic personality that you truly are. much less be drawn into your huge intricately weaved web of deceit and lies. you’re truly got a way with words, getting people hoodwinked onto your side. i wonder how a person with such low self esteem as you can have such a huge ego. you are truly, a psychological wonder.
and for goodness sake, stop apologizing to everyone around me about how sorry you are for the break up. firstly, i dumped you. yes i wanted you back which was obviously a fucking damn stupid thing to want considering the person you truly are. and i sure as hell am fucking glad that i’ve long ago decided to move on without you. and secondly, why are you saying sorry to everyone BUT me? too cowardly to face up to the fuck up you did once again did you? then again, of course you probably think you didn’t fuck up, seeing as how delusional a person you are. actually i think it’s just cos you want people to see you as a good person hence all these “apologies.” cut the crap alright. if you want to apologize to anyone, you should be apologizing to me. not that it will change my opinion of you in any way whatsoever.
i acknowledge the fact that even if you do read this, nothing is going to sink in and you’re just gonna go “i wonder what lies jan has been telling people, what lies people have been telling jan, this is all bullcrap, i’m being maligned” and you’re prob gonna go to your friends and be all “i’m being maligned” and whine to them about how its not fair to you blah blah blah. oh whatever. rest assured, i have not been saying anything about you to anyone except to the people impt in my life. this is probably the only time i’m being public about this and only because i dont want to talk to you directly but i have to say this just so that i feel i’ve already done what i can to destroy that delusional thought you have of how i still want you. and whatever i’ve said, is absolutely nothing but the truth. if anyone asks for proof, i can totally give it to them, in MANY forms trust me.
if anything, i’d much rather WIPE you out as ever having been a part of my life, and if anyone asks if i know you, trust me, i’d be very torn between giving them a resounding NO and telling them what i think you truly are so they won’t get sucked in to your lies. and please, if you could find it in yourself to, please dont tell people i was ever a part of your life (and i know you will find that very easy to do, seeing as you’ve already done that many times (: ). i absolutely dont want to be associated with you in any one way whatsoever. im so absofuckinglutely BEYOND relieved and exuberantly JOYOUS that i’ve got rid of a toxic person like you in my life and im no longer a part of the melodrama you so love to bask in. i know there’s no point in writing this, you never hear anyone’s words other than your own (and again, you’ve proved this to be absolutely true in more ways than one).
now that i’ve gotten this out of me i feel so relieved because i so wanted to tell you off to your face about what a total loser you are, and at the same time i didn’t see a point. but if i didnt let you know what i truly think you are, and let you continue living in your self induced lie of how i’m miserable without you and crap, i couldn’t live with myself and how ANNOYED you make me that you actually found reasons to think that i still want you.
goodness gracious. stop thinking that i’m not over you and that i still want you. seriously. i’ve found a gem in edgar, and i really couldn’t ask for anything more. he’s EVERYTHING you could NEVER be. i honestly dont care whether you read this or not and what you’re gonna make of this. but let me make this absolutely clear. get over yourself, stop thinking i’m miserable without you because i have never been better and i pray that your friends will see you for who you truly are and leave before they get too sucked into the melodrama that you so love to create. you are a LOSER and i am absofuckinglutely done with you. if you can still say that i want you even after i’m CLEARLY denying it to your fucking face in a very public forum, you’re just proving my point that you’re totally deluded. bye asshole (and no its not even a GOODBYE. cos i dont wish you well) dont ever look me nor my friends up ever again. and do your past a favor, fucking just let it go for goodness sake.
OKAY! word vomit (and literal vomit at above mentioned person) done hahha. now i shall create a new post about my second topic (: Edgar.
